Ball Game

Every now and then I get this feeling like I am walking on a treadmill, not really going anywhere just seeming to do so. There are things in your life that you are grateful about. But then that's the problem. If only you could just have them without being grateful. And because you are grateful you think you are happy but then are you? Maybe life should be one long difficulty. At least one wouldn't be so damned thoughtful about things you don't seem to be able to get out of your mind. Or is it just possible to be dissatisfied all the time? I think that more or less means change should be constant.
One doesn't really know whether one should be angry because things are not going according to plan or because they are and to perfection. These days I feel just one emotion a little too much. I feel angry all the time. And I feel impatient. About getting back home. About finishing my chores. About finishing dinner. About finishing watching a movie. For sleep to come. For it to dawn. And round and round and round. Everything what others say seem the same thing all over again. Or maybe I feel every goddamn thing is linked. The only thing I like doing these days is cribbing a lot. But then its always better to have an audience in such cases or its a wasted effort. But nobody has time or they are just like me looking for an audience.
Its a horrible nightmare really. Getting more and more perfect by the minute. Your mind's processes are so trained that they just keep falling into the same trap again and again. You are taxed because you thought your life was dreamlike. And you want to maintain it that way. The alternative is too much to bear. You might altogether stop belonging to this world then.